It has been two and a half years since Moy Moy died. Since then, I have almost completely stopped writing. Every time I think of starting again, I get through one or two paragraphs before realizing I don’t have anything to say. I can’t type now anyway. Extra letters appear in my words which I swear I didn’t put in. Other words come out half formed, like ghosts: incomplete and unsubstantial.
But I woke up this morning with a plan, a resolution for 2021. And I am starting it today, before the new year begins so it doesn’t feel too grand or too much like a promise. I will write something here every day. It may be just a line or two; maybe a few paragraphs – but something. And I won’t post links to any of it. If someone finds it, fine. If not, also fine. I’m writing now for myself.
Because I no longer believe I have anything to say to anyone else. When you lose a child, you feel like an idiot. I remember those first few weeks and months feeling so ashamed, wanting to avoid meeting anyone, unable to look anyone in the eye. How did I let it happen? And what could I, the idiot who made this massive error, have to say to anyone else that would be useful?
What has saved me, if I am saved, is books. Since she died, I have read hundreds of books. I have three or four going all the time and I plunge from one to the other, gulping them down, greedy for the next one, looking, I suppose, for others like me: characters in a story who have lost a great love and are trying to put themselves back together.
So far, I’m still searching. This year I hope to emerge.
Dear Jo,
I came across your blog when I was looking up the internet for answers about who after me to take care of my daughter with intellectual disability. I am a single parent as my husband divorced me sighting the child as a reason. I cannot fathom the emotions you must be going through, but I do understand the intensity of such emotions. I would be very grateful if you could help me identify what I can do find someone/someplace to take care of my beloved daughter after my life is over. This question keeps plaguing my thoughts.
Hie Jo dii I’ve known you for almost 10 years .Whenever you visited latika vihar you carried a whole different aura with you of positivity and joy.
You are a strong person and i’m sure you will definitely emerge again better than before.
Jo,
I am so sorry for your pain. While I can never know the ache and pain of losing a child, I know grief. I have lost husbands I loved and grew with, the most recent loss continues to burn in my heart. I hope you resolve the torment.